They say in order to love someone you have to love yourself first. Well, I’m a little conflicted considering, as a Christian, I was taught to love others. I guess I missed the memo where I gotta love me, too.
This lead to many sad nights where I felt alone because I wanted to be loved, too. As stupid depressing as that sounds, it was something that really affected me. After my solo trip to Europe, I learned a lot about myself that I thought I never would. Needless to say, that still did not help me love myself.
Before I dive into this, I need to disclose that this is the most personal I have ever been (and probably ever will be) to a group of strangers. To the mutuals who know me, everyone fights their own battle and this is one of mine. This will be a four-part series where I pick apart myself to learn to deal along the way.
First, let’s address the issue: I feel alone.
I feel alone mostly because I compare myself to others. This is something I’ve done since I was young. Part of comparing myself to others is noticing how happy couples seem to be, and I wanted that. Yeah, on the outside it looks all sunshine and daisies but you never know what happens behind closed doors. Social media doesn’t make it any easier. We see gorgeous models and influencers all the time everywhere, so of course it’s hard to look at yourself in the mirror when you’re not society’s “standard.” However, that’s not the point. The point is, I compared myself to others because I never had that. I was never part of a couple, I was never skinny, I was never popular – whatever.
I’m 24 going on 25 and no one has wanted to commit to me.
Okay, yes, I am picky. I have my standards and they are important to me, but living in Las Vegas has kind of groomed me to be this way. It’s not like I have a ton of options to choose from:
A. A tourist
B. A poker player
C. Nightlife industry workers (that’s a no for more reasons than one)
Las Vegas is a totally transient city. People come and go all the time and the locals treat everyone as temporary, so clearly it isn’t the best place to date. “Well, the grass is greener on the other side.” No, it probably is. I’m not the only one to say Vegas is an impossible city to date in.
This “alone” feeling due to being chronically undateable has lead me to think that something is seriously wrong with me.
Am I not pretty enough?
Am I not skinny enough?
Is my intelligence and confidence intimidating to men?
Am I too clingy?
And so the self-hating began. I filled my body with junk food and I just stopped caring. I didn’t love myself to change the things I didn’t personally like about myself. Despite having some hormonal issues, I gained weight regardless and I then began blaming myself even more. “Maybe if I was skinny enough,” I thought.
Pity, hate, and self doubt will not solve any problems. In fact, it is the perfect combination for depression to infiltrate even the happiest person. Instead of letting these feelings fester inside me, I’ve decided to start taking steps to improve my own happiness:
Exercise gratitude in all things
Do positive things for myself every day and always
Know my self worth
Let go and live
I will dive deeper into each of these once I feel like I have conquered each step, and share that journey with all of you in future articles.
Until next time,
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